It has come to my attention that a variety of dangerous and
addictive mind-altering drugs are being used and/or distributed here at
work by Atari Games employees.  In fact, some of these substances have
reportedly been supplied, free of charge, by the company itself.  This
is intolerable and must stop immediately.

	First of all, a large number of workers are apparently addicted
to the powerful stimulant caffeine.  These so-called "caf-fiends" will go
to any lengths to get their morning fix, even if it involves taking the last
available dose and leaving a quarter cup of coffee in the pot for the next
poor addict.  Others abuse the substance known as "Jolt", apparently because
they feel its well-known eye-bulging effects make them more physically
attractive.  Coca-Cola may have removed the coca from the formula, but it
still has the cola - a caffeine-rich nut which leaves its victims feeling
"wired" and "awake".  Chocolate also contains caffeine, and users will
obtain their "bars" any way they can, even procuring them from innocent
young girls.  Caffeine has been shown to cause insomnia, heart arrhythmias,
mild delirium, and broken chromosomes, and is regarded as possibly
hazardous to the fetus during the first three months of pregnancy.
	
	Ethyl alcohol is another psychoactive drug used by certain employees.
This substance has been distributed at various Atari Games functions,
("brainstorms" and "parties"), despite the fact that it is highly addictive
and extremely toxic.  Its use may result in disorientation, impaired
insight and judgement, diminished intellectual capability, and throwing up
on your shoe.  (Prizes have even been awarded to encourage the latter.)
Many of our employees display the tell-tale bloated look, flabby muscles,
and chronic degeneration of the typical alcohol abuser.  Some days you can
hardly walk down the halls without seeing someone who is apparently in the
midst of an acute delirium tremens episode.

	Finally, certain employees have been observed toking on nicotine
cigarettes while at the workplace.  With no regard for the health threats
posed to themselves or others, these "ash-holes" suck one "butt" after
another to get their foul chemical gratification.  As with all stimulant
drugs, the stimulation of the brain is followed by a period of depression,
which reinforces the user's dependence.  The user may require larger and
larger doses to achieve the same level of central stimulation.  Side effects
include coughing, bronchitis, emphysema, death, and smelly clothes.  Use
during pregnancy and breast-feeding is contraindicated, although one
cigarette immediately following conception is probably okay.  The second-hand
smoke inhaled by nearby non-smokers has been shown to be hazardous, and is
particularly annoying to those who are allergic or otherwise sensitive to
cigarette smoke, and are just trying to do their job without having to
breathe someone else's personal pollution.

	These forms of chemical abuse cannot be ignored any longer by Atari
Games Corporation.  Therefore, on Monday we will be conducting tests to weed
out the "druggies" in our company.  These tests will be as private and
non-invasive as possible, but you will understand if there is some slight
discomfort or embarassment involved.  It will be necessary to take blood,
urine, and fecal samples, as well as a small amount of liver, lung, and brain
tissue for analysis.  Please refer any questions to my secretary, April. 

	Frankly, some of you have been behaving as if your bodies were your
own, and as if whatever you choose to eat, drink, inhale, sniff, or take
by enema were your own business.  Let me remind you that Atari Games is in
business to make money, not to support your decadent drug habits.  If you
damage your bodily tissues, you hurt our profit margin.  This we will not
tolerate.  Remember, you work for us.

	Atari Games.  We own you.


DD/af